2004-09-13
welcome to autumn
the quickest rundown of the past few weeks...
back together with my wonderful woman, for about a month. she told me in the strangest way, in a way where i thought everything was about to fall apart, where i was literally at the end of the longest rope----and she dropped it on me to where i had no idea what to say, what to feel. tears flowed, smiles broke the corners of my mouth open, hugs followed long and engulfing. things are great in many ways, but it will be a tough year. shes in school 4 days a week in ann arbor, me in toledo without roomate, money, transportation, or work...which i will explain in a minute.
im thinking about resolving my fear of flying by getting back into it. a chunk of money may come my way, and if it does it will be spent on using my skills as a pilot to further my existance as a human. i will play music till the end of my days, but i have got to make some money to live the lifestyle i have chosen. and the restaurant thing isnt cutting it for me these days. the hours suck, the work is disgusting at best, and i havent been working in an environment where i truely feel proud of my work. so until then, back to my wings and back to the world of professional pseudo-anti-gravity.
i know i havent been writing here for a spell, and that i swore to give it up, but i think i need this outlet sometimes to vent some frustrations i have. for instance, i have been working my ass off since memorial day, almost non stop...all day at the record shop, all night at the restaurant. an endless stream of multiple environments, faces and faults, cds and chicken strips. god how pathetic. this is the life i COULD lead if i dont get my act together. squeeezing pennies together to try to make a dollar bill. paying the smallest amount possible on all bills to try to keep a roof over my head. anyways, i have been riding my bike 6 miles to the record store and 6 miles back for weeks, with the occasional bus ride thrown in on days where i feel the need to sleep past the alarm. nonetheless, i lost 20 pounds, and right at the peak of my physical awareness, had my bike stolen after i left it on the porch like an idiot. enter friend nathan to loan me his wife's bike. so i rode a ladies style low-bar bike back and forth to work with no shame until 3 weeks ago, when a stoner hippe and his grnadmother decided to not check both sides of traffic before rolling out of the birkenstock store( i kid you not!) and ran over the front tire of my bike. here i sit with a broken foot, a sprained shoulder, some bruised ribs, and an empty prescription bottle that contained 100 vicodin, soon to be refilled. i have seen more movies in the past 3 weeks than i have ever seen in such a short span. i have downed more 12 packs than ever, put almost all the weight back on, and have lost a kazillion brain cells to opiates(vicodin,triazepan,ambien,etc). the snowball is rolling and increasing in speed...now the phone is shut off so i cant call for a ride to work, the gas is shut off so i cant bathe, and today i fell on my broken foot and about broke my entire leg in this god-forsaken cast. the docs office told me to go to the ER but, I DONT HAVE A RIDE. no more pills, just me and my crutches hobbling across the street like the old man on the community chest card with his cane to get beer, the swill of the damaged, the needy, the dependent. any of you who know me well, know that i CANNOT stand being dependent, and cannot stand being holed up in one place for more than a few hours.
respect your ability to function on a human level folks. cuz you never know when the fates are going to roll the dice on the most simple thing you can imagine, like your ability to walk, or work, or get off the couch. the fact that i have no insurance for this type of drama is another entry all together...maybe closer to election day...
love to all from the sofa.
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